As I Was Rambling: If You Can't Say It With A Meme, Don't Say It

June has proven to be a busy month for me, a month for making huge decisions. And I'm going to end it with a life changing move that I hope is the right one. But we'll get to that next time.

This post is about making it to the 8 month mark.

It's been 8 months since I became a single mom/dad rolled in to one into one very cute package.

While I have four kids, my older three still have both of their parents being active members in their lives. The youngest monkey though, all she has is me. Granted, she's also had my heterosexual life partner, Liv, and her god father "Nuncle Oah", stepping in and parenting her too and we've both been so lucky for that.

I made the comment during a phone conversation the other day that has stuck in my head since I spoke it. It was: it's a scary thought that I am the only responsible parent for Lila.

I think I always knew this but hearing the words come out of my mouth was an eye opener. Being the responsible parent means so much more than making sure she puts her pants on and doesn't play in traffic or take candy from strangers. It means I'm all she's got. I have to take care of myself, which means going to a doctor and acknowledging a neurological disease that I've put more energy into ignoring than acknowledging it, maybe losing some weight, and not talking to strangers no matter how good they smell. It means that I have to do whatever I can to make sure I'm here her for as long as humanly possible because I'm all she's got.

It also means learning more about myself so that I can try to control the neurotic, untrusting, impulsive, and awkward person I've spent so long becoming so that she has a good example of a woman she might want to be someday.

Tomorrow makes 8 months... That seems like such a short time. It's four months shy of being than a year, but, in my world, 8 months has changed everything.

Being the "meme queen" I pride myself in being, I thought I'd share a few more things that I've learned in 8 months. Things I hope are helping to make me a better person or, at least, maybe less of an asshole. And the best way to say these things are with memes. I adore them. Here goes...

I used to do this one all the time. I would sit and wonder what would have happened if I hadn't ignored someone I was attracted to for more than looks and ended up dating their friend who was a huge douche.

What if I had said "no" to certain people?

But now, for me anyway, this should say "never wonder how different your life would be"... Because one tiny change could mean never having four of the most amazing people on earth to call my children. And that thought is unthinkable. Everything that has happened in the history of me, which is an awesome history filled with amazing moments and a lot of awkward stupidity, was supposed to happen. I wouldn't change a thing.

This is more true than I would have ever believed. I can have the shittiest day where I feel like the world is against me and I just want to run away to Mexico and drink margaritas until my skin turns s nice like color but then I wrap an awesome kid in my arms or get a hug from a friend and I realize that this is the whole world to me. I have it right here in my arms. That's the best feeling.

I used to be a vain little shitass once upon a time. But I've learned that physical attraction means nothing if they're a troll on the inside. And if they're a troll, Fuck 'em (not literally though...Duh)

This has been such a hard one for me. How do you believe you're worthy of anything when you've wasted so much time on people who got off on making you think the problems were because something was wrong with you? But now, I've not only learned that I am worthy. I've also learned that I deserve someone who appreciates the fact that I'm worthy and that's caused me to stop putting up with a lot of bullshit. I'm refusing to be treated as anything other than what I deserve. I know I'm going to lose a few people because of that, and I'll miss them and always feel the hole that they once filled, but at least I'll stop taking the blame for problems that aren't mine alone.

This really is what life is all about. Don't settle for anything less.

Flashbacks fucking suck because they aren't always good ones. In fact, for me, they're mostly bad ones that make me wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

It's funny the things you can remember when a song comes on that you haven't heard in twenty years.

I laugh more now than I have my entire adult life. And life really is better when you're laughing...

I am absolutely not boring.

Now that I know this is true, there will be no dealing with me.

They really do last a lifetime. I wasn't carful before and I remember every second.

I don't understand why this is the hardest challenge some people face every day. Be fucking nice. Period.

Exactly...

I've learned that I want this. Actually, I need this. I had convinced myself before that I didn't need it. I want to matter to one person. I don't think that's too much to ask.