And Here's A Few More Things...

Today is exactly 9 months since I became a legally separated single lady/mom. I'm a little amazed that it's been that long. It's gone by so quickly. I guess that's a good thing. I've had so many life changes and choices to focus on in the last 9 months that I forgot to focus on being angry enough to end up on an episode of snapped...

I was too busy to focus on all of the unneccessary shit in my life that I fought to hold on to that I had a yard sale and sold most of it. My life is now blissfully uncluttered.

I spent a lot of these past nine months killing myself trying to do everything on my own and being too proud to ask for help. When I couldn't do that anymore, I realized that I had so many people around who were willing to help. That's amazing to me. Especially since I can be my charming, awkward, and abrasive self.

I've always been an outwardly confident person but, inwardly, I have always been the most insecure, second guessing, critical person who lacked the confidence it takes to pick out a matching bra and panty set for the day (don't ask... It's an important and extremely hard decision)...

But then, here came these people who are kickass amazing and helped me realize that I'm kinda kickass amazing too...

I can't thank you people enough.. You all know who you are.

So...here I am at the nine month mark. I think it's fitting that I hit this milestone while starting a new life, having just accepted an amazing job offer (that I got with the help and encouragement of one of the previously mentioned kickass amazing people... Thanks Shelly!). It's funny to me that I've chosen to start over in the one place I couldn't wait to move away from my entire teenage life. Home has a way of calling you back when you need it most.

Nine months can do so many things.. In that amount of time, you can grow a whole human being and bring it into the world.

Turns out, you can also end a shitty marriage and start a whole new life. 

I have plans for this one though. No more shitty marriages (or any marriages of any kind really), no more settling, no more decisions made based on how it will effect someone who's just passing through my life. I've never been the kind of lady who would chase people but now I'm also not the kind of lady who will sit around and wait for someone to have a space big enough for me to fit in their lives. I've always been more of a center stage kind of girl anyway.

9 months... When this all started, or ended, depending on how you look at it, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. Now I can't wait to see what each new day holds. 

And while this single mom thing is hard, I've met more of Lila in these last nine months than I have in her entire almost four years of life. I will never regret any decision I made along the way that has made her comfortable enough to be who she is.

And, if I'm being honest here, I've become more of myself lately than I ever thought I could be again. I don't regret that either.

I haven't felt like this in a while and for that I am so grateful. 

So here I am, nine months down, three to go before I can file to become an official unmarried single lady/mom. 

Watch out world...

 Sassy pants will be worn that day!

What Do I Do Now?

The big move is finally finished. My things are safely locked away in a storage unit and, the things I brought with me, are neatly unpacked and put away in my old bedroom. 

I'm sitting on the back porch of my childhood home listening to the familiar sound of bullfrogs croaking and the comfortable silence that comes with living in West Virginia. For the first time in three years, I feel like I'm finally breathing again. That's an amazing feeling.

As an added bonus, I've found some small treasures while making room for my things.

This phone cord once served as part of my line of communication with the outside world, or at least to people who lived two miles away. I remember twirling it around my fingers while having rambling phone conversations about who was dating who and the nerve of some bitch at school.  It was also the bane of my existence when it became a tangled mess. 

It hit me, after Lila asked what it was, that none of my children will ever know the joys and anger that this simple cord can cause.

Then there was the duffel bag that I carried to every football game throughout my high school career. It was filled with all of the necessary paraphernalia that a proper majorette needed to do a stellar job. Things like Aquanet, blue eyeshadow, and Exclamation perfume once filled this bag.

And this little photo album filled with the senior pictures of my best friends. The pages are old and were stuck together (from age. Not from a Pervy nasty stick together way...) and some of the name cards had fallen out but I would know these people anywhere.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if the girl that lived here twenty years ago existed. Marriages, divorces, becoming a mother, and moving away tend to change a person. But, finding these things have brought a comfort to me and given me a reassurance that she not only existed, but, she's still in there somewhere. That makes me feel better because she was kind of a badass who took shit from nobody and stood up for what she thought was right. 

And, if that weren't reassuring enough...

I've always got this can of liquid gold to fall back on....