If I Could Stuff You In A Moving Box I'd Bring You With Me

After eight months of struggling, I made the decision last week that I couldn't do it  on my own. That alone has been a hard pill to swallow. 

But then today happened...

Let me tell you about someone that I am so lucky to have in my life and in all four of my children's lives. 

I'll not usually a mushy person. Past relationships and marriages have proven to me that to show emotion is to show weakness. But I feel like anyone who reads my bullshit ramblings needs to know that this man exists.

This is my bestest best friend Noah, also known as Elton Manilow Striesand. He calls me Babs Garland Minelli and so does everyone else I've had the pleasure of meeting by way of him introducing me.

When I got out of my first marriage (I have to say that now that I've gotten out of multiple marriages), I moved to a town where I knew no one and was terrified more than my stubborn pride would ever let me admit. He was the first person I met. He turned into the first friend I made. And then he bacame the only person on this earth that I let really get to know me. Not only did I show him my charming, witty side, I also let him see every flaw and weakness I have. He knows every secret I've kept. He gets my sense of humor even though it's hardly ever socially acceptable or politically correct.

He can look at me and know if I'm extremely happy or unexplainably sad. He's seen my horrible flaws and loved me more for them. And he knows the look on my face when someone has said some innocent comment that I turned into a dirty sexual innuendo in my pervy brain and he instantly knows what I'm thinking.

He's also been my bravest defender when nobody else would stand up for me.

Here's a secret I wouldn't have admitted before tonight: marriage number two was rough. I married a man who suffered  and still suffers from mental illness and alcohol and drug addiction. I could lie and say I didn't know about these problems but I'm not that person. I will admit that I had no idea how bad these things were or how severely they would effect me and the child we made together.

The truth is, I knew he had some mental issues and that he drank too much but I was also convinced that I was the right person to fix him. (I didn't say every decision I've made were smart ones.)

I met Elton five months before jumping into my second marriage. We steadily got to know each other until he became someone I couldn't imagine my life without.

He was the first person I told about my pregnancy with Lila. He knew she existed before my family or my husband had any idea.

When he started to see signs that my second marriage wasn't going well, he suggested that he move in as a roommate. I didn't see it at the time but I think he knew that I needed someone there to help me deal with what I had chosen for my life to become. And even though things got way scarier than any horror movie you could imagine, he stood up for me, defended me, and protected me and the life I had growing inside of me. I had days where the only reason I got out of bed was because I knew he would be right by my side, on my team, and protecting my back. 

Then here came this amazing little person whom I never dreamt I would be blessed with and he gladly accepted the role of being her God father knowing what was expected of him. 

He knew he had to love her, protect her, and get to know her as well as any biological parent gets to know their children, and to be prepared to raise her in the life every child deserves if anything ever happened to me.  He accepted this without even a moments hesitstion and has stood by this promise since the day she was born.

Together we introduced her to good music like REO Soeedwagon, Madonna, and NKOTB. We taught her how to drop it like its hot and how to vogue. We all know how important these things are to being a decent human being, right?

He's listened to me cry about the things I wasn't getting from my marriage, offered to babysit when I felt the need to put forth the effort to get these things, and snuck out with me when I had a long day at work and just needed to get away from my life for a couple hours so that I could feel like myself again.

I always swore that I would never let anyone get to know me and how I really am but, without me even noticing that it was happening, he got to know everything about me. And the miraculous thing is, he never judged me or told me what he felt I should have done. He never made me feel ashamed or like the horrible person I convinced myself that I was. He listened to my rambling thoughts, sarcastic asshole comments, and confessions I wouldn't tell a priest even if it meant that it would get me to whatever destination is after this one.

He has never judged me, his feelings never took a negative turn, nor did he tell me what a horrible person I am. Instead, he hung on every word I said like a housewife remembering every moment from Fifty Shades of Gray. He offered priceless advice when he knew I needed it, he loved me more for telling him my truths, and he bucked up to defend me if he saw that I needed it. He has always answered his phone no matter what time I called and was quick to get to my house if I said the words "I need you".

After he moved out of my house, he still lived close enough that I could see his building and he unknowingly provided a sense of security that was so desperately needed to me. 

He's allowed me to celebrate family centered holidays with his family who accepted me as their family too.

Because of the loyalty he gave me without question, I gladly gave it back.

I have defended him against coworkers, strangers, and I even attempted to punch a guy who said hateful things to him that I knew, without a doubt, he didn't deserve. 

He is the most beautiful person I have ever met and words cannot express how grateful and lucky I feel just to know him.

He's family. I don't need shared blood to feel a connection with him that I had never felt with anyone else who ever walked into my life.

Tonight he came over for what we call neighbor night but the air was so heavy because we both knew that this was probably our last neighbor night together before I load up all of my worldly possessions into a truck and start over, for the third time but this time on my own, in the place I came from and no longer share neighborhoods, cities, or states with him. In 13 days there will be an almost four hour distance between us. 

I was doing ok until today. I had locked the emotions up tight, focussed myself on the move I had coming, distracted by the need to make my three year old understand that soon we're going to leave this house and probably never step foot in it again, and was convinced I was more excited than sad.

But then we started retelling stories about our adventures together (on our own we are noticeable for our uniqueness, together we are amazing) then the pictures started showing up, and then, out of nowhere, we both had tears streaming down our faces. There was also a lot of much needed laughter and words of support and hope for both of us. And lots of hugging of course.

I still have 13 days to go before I officially have to say goodbye to him but I already feel the hole that he's filled in my life for so long. Him  being less than a block away was a comforting life saver.  I don't remember an instance where I've felt so much sadnes and loss when, at the same time, I knew I was making the right decision for myself and my children. I'm not one who's used to feeling this enough to know how to deal with it.

If you all don't mind, here are a few words that I would like to write to Elton and  fold it up in the note passing origami shit that we did in high school:

Dear Elton,

As you know, I am a believer of fate and I truly believe we were put in each other's lives because we both needed each other. I consider you as much of my family as anyone who shares the same blood as myself. It hasn't mattered how far apart we were, be it Seattle, Lost Creek, up a boyfriends ass (that would be you), or being so distracted with getting through the day (definitely me) that I couldn't even force myself to talk to my best friend or even ask for help because of my pride, I have always known that, if I called you and said I needed you (or vice versa) we would be there for each other. That's the only thing that got me through this evening of tears, memories, and laughter with you. I know that I can call you from lost creek and tell you I needed you and you wouldn't hesitate to be there. That's mad trust and so very unlikely me.

You've taught me to trust at least one person on this earth and know that their motives were good. You've also shown me that I can depend on you to remind me who I really am when I'm not being quite myself.

You have also convinced me that I didn't do something so bad in my past that Karma enjoys screwing me, and that maybe, just maybe, not every one is out to get me.

You've put countless smiles on mine and my children's faces, caused uncountable happy giggles, and made me trust that we will always be a part of each other's lives, no matter how far apart we are.

So, my beloved Elton, I know we blubbered like sissys on the first night I met your boyfriend and 13 days before we have to say "see you later", please know that you are such a valued and needed person in my life, a good man in general, and this move is not even close to goodbye.  You have become a constant in my life and I'm going to need you to keep that up. In other words, you're totally stuck with me.

And if you could answer one tiny question for me so that I can understand:

How is it even possible to miss you so much when I can still look out my kitchen window and see your house?

Could you at least consider packing yourself and that amazing boyfriend of yours into the uhaul and just coming with?

 At least tell me how to make this ache in my chest go away. I have no idea how to even attempt at going through every day without you in it. I think that's the part that scares me the most.

Thank you for being the constant in my life and being the loyal protector of my secrets and hideous flaws. Thank you for reminding me who I really am and not to take shit from anyone.

The words "thank you" come no where near close to how grateful I am to you just for existing. 

I love you Elton.

Love, 

Babs