All By Myself...

I had no idea how true this was until almost 8 months ago. Before, the thought of doing anything alone freaked me out. I wasn't even comfortable going to the grocery store by myself.

Now I find that I like being alone so much that I'm almost introverting. 

And if someone dare interupt my alone time, I get angry as if they should know what they're taking from me.

The problem with being alone is that, if anyone saw me during my alone time, they would try to have me committed. 

I have become so comfortable that I'm carrying on full conversations with myself, along with funny jokes that crack myself up. I sing, badly. I dance, very well. I fiddle with stuff, think about rearranging furniture (but then I talk myself out of it). I rarely talk on the phone anymore. Yesterday evening, Liv, Lila, and I were watching a movie and my phone rang and my response was "what the hell? No! Why do people insist on calling me?? Can't they text and be done with it and we skip all of the unnecessary conversation that happens as space fillers?" I had someone ask if they could call me a few days ago and my response was "why?" Introverting has shown me that the only functions I need my phone to do are text, Facebook, Google, and games. And, if you've never had a phone conversation with me, you're welcome. I am awkward as ass when on the phone. It's painful for everyone involved.

It's also inspired this new thing I'm doing now. I am taking so much less bullshit from people because I no longer care if they get angry. "Oh no, I made you mad? Are you going to leave me alone now? (Please??)"

I've also started surrounding myself with people I actually enjoy being around, people whom I can have meaningful conversations with because I know now that conversations that mean nothing are such a waste of time. Time that could be spent alone, talking to myself. 

I've just realized that I wasted so much time surrounding myself with people who mean/meant nothing to me and who made me miserable just because I was terrified of being alone. I can't blame these people for the misery or the mental and physical ache they caused me. I've spent a lot of time trying to do that though. (It certainly couldn't have been my fault.)

I'm no where near perfect by any means but I'm learning to let the past bullshit be in the past. Getting angry at the people who are no longer in my life for things they did because I allowed it is such a waste of precious time.

I'm good with being with myself, I'm thrilled when I'm with my amazing friends and my kids because of being ok when I'm alone and not filling the space when they aren't there with people who shouldn't be there. And I'm actually good with becoming an introvert because it makes me appreciate my extroverted times so much more. I laugh more and I actually talk because I have real things to talk about instead of wasting all of my talk time with worthless conversations. 

I can tell that it's starting to bother some of the people that aren't in my daily life but I had a talk with myself and I can't find it within me to apologize for it. I'm finally getting to a point to where I'm ok with me and being alone with me. 

And besides, I can't bring myself to answer the phone to hear people bitch about it anyway. Shoot me a text....