For All The Single Ladies

I'm starting to realize that being a single lady is hard. We are constantly fighting this internal battle between always wanting to look our best in case we meet "the one" and becoming self sufficient enough to not need "the one". I've found some amazing inventions that will end this battle by helping us do a little bit of both!

First of all, let's talk about footwear...

When wanting to put your best foot forward, rain can often ruin your efforts. Not anymore because of these stylish shoe umbrellas! No single lady wants to meet her soulmate or man of the moment in muddy rain soaked shoes. And the shoe umbrella screams that you are a smart, sensible, desirable woman.

But sometimes the single lady wants to take a fun beach vacation without it being ruined by undesirables hitting on you every time you turn around. This will tell your mullet coifed, Brute cologne wearing wannabe suitor that you're really not interested without you having to be rude.

And for the woman who needs no man, how about a pair of slippers that double as a vicious, terror causing bug killer? No need to scream for your non existent knight in shining tin foil to save you when you have ninja like fly swatters on your feet! As you're whipping these through the air to kill a dangerous bug, you'll hear the scream of "girl power" over your own terrified shreaks.

Now we move on to makeup...

I have never been good at applying lipstick. Ever... I admire those of you who can wear it and are able to look like a fun girl out for a night on the town instead of looking like a lady of the night (that means prostitute and I don't mean the Pretty Woman kind).

When I try to wear lipstick, I end up looking a little something like this:

But, the Chinese have invented two things that will make this no longer a problem!

You can "pucker lips in a hurry" with this brilliant lip stamp. I suggest keeping this in your purse so that you can freshen your perfect lips while on a night out after you use this before leaving home...

Because every woman has the exact same lip shape, this lip template is genius. No more smeared lips for us single gals! Thank you China!

A single lady might take some time to find herself before deciding to get back out in the world. During your sabbatical from the dating world, you might want something that helps buy you privacy...

Nothing says "go away, I'm introverting" quite like whatever the hell this is. And for those of you with office jobs...

This should do the trick. 

While you're busy finding yourself, things may start to look a little unkempt...

Then you get invited on a fun girls night out and realize that, while finding yourself, you've turned into chewbacca.  When this happens, I suggest you go back to the magical time of the 1980's and purchase your future self one of these:

It'll hurt like a bitch but it will get the job done. You might want to pair it with one of these next inventions.

Some people say that diamonds are a girls best friend and to those people I say you must not be a single lady!

Wine glasses with built in straws.. Need I say more? Put on your most unsexiest pajamas, some fuzzy fly swatter slippers, turn on a chick flick worth crying to and suck on that built in straw like your life depends on it!

There will be nights when you're going out and you won't know if the establishment you're going to will serve your brand of wine and you're going to need something to ensure you have an enjoyable time. That's where this gem comes in to play.

Is it a wine carrier or a stylish purse? Nobody will know the truth but you.. At least until you're skipping the glass and drinking it straight out of your purse tap but, by then, who's going to give a shit? Certainly not you!

The truth is, being single can be as hard as it is fun. Some days you'll cry to the point of being dangerously close to dehydration.

And you'll consider buying one of these hats (again, thank you China!).

But it can also be empowering and you'll wonder why you never owned a pair of these...

Because no strong woman needs a man to shovel her car out of the snow when she's wearing sensible snow shovel pumps!

It can be lonely and you'll get sad about only needing one wine glass.

But with this glass, one is all you'll ever need.

It doesn't matter how you get through it. Maybe you'll meet the elusive "one" that will make your life complete.

In that case, you might want to get something like this:

You need to know how well he handles disappointment before deciding if he's the one and making him think you have incredible boobs all evening and then taking them off at the end of the night should do the trick.

 Or maybe, just maybe, you'll learn that you're ok with being single, especially when you have this:

Nothing is better than snuggling up to The Boyfriend Pillow after a rough day when your lipstick is a mess and you're half drunk from drinking out of your purse and you really don't need to listen to anyone's lip.

No matter how you do it, remember you're a strong, single woman who can take on a hell of a lot more than loneliness. The key is to surround yourself with great friends, decent wine, laugh as much as possible, and don't settle for anything less than you truly deserve. No woman should have to look back on their lives and say "I got by with great shoes, good wine, and a partner who was good enough."

Is That The Best You've Got???

Being a freshly single woman, I have to say that I am horrified at the direction pick up lines have gone! Yes, I know it's been a minute since I was single last but, really, some of the opening lines I have had said to me were terrible and sometimes a tad scary.

 All of you single people should be ashamed of yourselves for letting the art of the pick up line go to complete shit!

Me being the Type A person that I am, and in this instance "A" stands for "asshole", I've decided to share a few of the better lines I've heard in the last few months. That way we can laugh at them together and I don't look like such a horrible person.

"You have beautiful eyes. I too have eyes".

That was it. End of the line. 

I have always been very proud of my ability to throw a sarcastic response out into the world at the drop of a hat. But what is the proper response to this one?

"wow, that's one thing you and I and almost every other person on this earth have in common. Let's date"?

"Here I am and now it's your chance to sell yourself to me. Tell me what's so great about you that is going to make me want you."

.... Yeah that really happened. Lucky for me, my sarcastic brain popped into sarcastic asshole mode. 

Here is how I responded to this dick:

"Well, I'm really cute and extremely funny. And I went to see my doctor last week and was given the best news ever. He said that it was fully healed and even he was impressed by how he couldn't tell it had ever been a penis and I'm ready to take it for a test drive! You get to put the first miles on it!"

Seriously? Sell myself to him on what makes me so great? The thing that makes me so great is that I refuse to sell myself. If you can't look at me or have a conversation with me and see what makes me great, that doesn't mean that I'm the one who's lacking. That means you're a huge asshole who doesn't want to take the time to get to know someone well enough to know what's great about them and you should find a prostitute. 

I'm not the only one who's been hit with the bad pick up lines. My heterosexual life partner, Liv, had a guy throw this gem at her "your eyes are so beautiful. I wonder what they'll look like when they're looking up at me".

When she told me that someone had the balls to use that as his opening line with her, we both laughed so hard the poor guy probably heard us in his fortress of loneliness in the far away land of NoBlowJoblandia. 

Here's a tip guys: don't use an opening line that implies that you think your target lady is easy. It isn't a huge turn on for most of us.

Liv also had a guy go with this one:

Do you like tacos and rock music? Cause if you do, you're in luck.

First of all, when did tacos become acceptable pick up line material? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore tacos but I don't understand how liking tacos and rock music makes you lucky when meeting someone. 

I happen to prefer my rock music loud enough to not be able to hear lines like that one and I like my tacos alone so that I don't have to share them.

This last one is my absolute favorite. Prepare yourself for greatness...

"I want to wear you. And I don't mean that in a dirty way. You have great skin and I just want to wear you".

If I had agreed to go out with him I would either a. Be in the dry well in his basement constantly being told to rub lotion on its skin or b. I'd be dead and skinless and he'd be dancing around with his penis tucked between his legs while "wearing me". 

Here's how the conversation went from that piece of verbal gold:

Me: wow.... Has that line EVER worked for you?

Buffalo Bill Jr.: not yet but I have high hopes for you.

Me: hmm, well, I'm kinda busy wearing myself right now so I'm going to have to respectfully decline.

BB jr: oh, that's a shame. I'll be here if you should change your mind.

Does anyone out there have an interesting pick up line that you'd like to share? I'll send you a box of candy if it's a good one. I got them from the guy who wanted to wear me...

Shut Your Whore Mouth

I don't understand why people feel they have the right to point out anything that they see as being wrong, unacceptable, different, or just not for them. Not everyone is blessed with the huge set of balls that I have nor are they lucky enough to have sarcasm as their best friend.

I've had some horrible things said to me over the course of my life but the things that bother me now are the comments made by judgemental assholes who view themselves as a few steps above everyone else.

Here's a fun fact (just in case you haven't seen me in a while or not at all) I like to do fun stuff with my hair. I can honestly say, while I've done a lot of things to make other people happy, my hair has always been about me. I finally found the haircut that I'm meant to have (for this moment anyway) so, in the last year, I've been playing with different colors. I've dyed it black, a million different shades of red, an unfortunate platinum blond, dark purple, and lavender. But the one color that I can honestly say that I feel suits me is blue. I'm not talking old lady white with a tinge of blue. I'm taking BLUE...

It started out as a few blue streaks mixed in to my blond highlights.

I absolutely loved it. I felt that it made my gray eyes shine, it made me happy, and, dare I say it, it made me feel pretty (or at least prettier cause I am totally cute).

A few months after that, I went back to Lesa, who is the woman who has done my hair for the last five years, and I told her that I liked the blue so much that I wanted more of it. So then this happened:

FYI: I have no idea why most of my selfies are taken while driving my car.

Then I saw a YouTube video of a girl with the underneath of her head shaved on one side and I decided that I wouldn't survive another minute if I didn't try it so I did that and I loved it. 

Then I had the thought that if one side of my head shaved made me feel that good about myself, having it shaved all the way around would make me feel amazing. 

So I did this:

I've had it cut/shaved like this for two days and had a new shade of blue added that I hadn't tried yet and I feel beautiful. 

I have a point to all of the selfies, I promise.

Then today, while having lunch with my heterosexual life partner and the youngest spawn, two women walked by me and I heard one say to the other "obviously blue is her natural color". The other lady said "oh yes, blue is absolutely natural" then they both laughed.

I could have torn these women to shreads. I felt my inner Samuel L. Jackson fighting to surface to tear them apart.

Instead, I said nothing and just smiled to myself because, in my experience, it's the women who are uncomfortable in their own skin and are so busy trying to hide their flaws and shortcomings by making a comment about someone else who are the most unhappy. 

I didn't dye my hair blue in the hopes that people would think it was my natural color (duh). I dyed it blue because I fucking love it blue. And I can tell you, I've had more compliments from complete strangers about my hair than I have had snarky comments made about it by uptight, snarky bitches so I'm good.

I'm getting to the point! Stop rushing me bitches!

The Point:

The point is, we are all individuals and, as such, we all have the right to make choices for our own lives that make us happy, feel better about ourselves, helps us hold our heads up even when our lives are absolute shit. Those choices could consist of how we dress, what kind of music we listen to, whether or not we exercise, choosing to marry your first cousin because you know he comes from a good family, whatever. Those choices are our own. I feel that as long as I'm not walking around shanking strangers and punching babies, the choices I make aren't any of your business. 

Did I make a rude comment about the one rude lady's neon purple fanny pack? No because that was her choice and maybe she knows some secret about fanny packs that make them amazing. I wouldn't know because I made the choice to never own one. Wearing the fanny pack was a choice she made for herself. Never owning one was a choice I made for myself because I feel that my fanny is perfect without the pack. I didn't stand up and rip her a new one because I didn't know her life story and that gave me no right to knock her off of her natural hair color, purple fanny pack wearing pedestal.

And the honest truth is, I didn't give a shit what she thought about my hair color (obviously she didn't think it was my natural color) because it's my hair. I love it and I feel better about myself than I have in years because I'm being who I want to be for the first time in my adult life.

My kids are happy, beautiful, healthy, and well taken care of. While my job will never make me a rich woman, my bills are paid. And I haven't stabbed anyone with a fork so far today. I didn't make unnecessary rude comments about a complete stranger who was within hearing distance.  I call that being a decent human being.

In hindsight, if I could go back and say one thing to her it would be "while it may not be my natural color, it made you look didn't it?"

In the world we live in today where there is a higher percentage of our population on anti-depressants, where people are making horrible decisions that hurt the people closest to them or complete strangers, where people are fighting for their right to marry the person they love who just happens to be the same gender as they are, and  most people are living the lives society tells them they should be living instead of living the life they want (possibly with the hair color they want), is it really necessary to make comments about someone's appearance even if the comments are hateful? Has the human race evolved and adapted to change so little that we still have to make hateful comments about a complete stranger without knowing what they've been through just because said complete stranger had the misfortune of falling in your path that day with a hair color you wouldn't choose for yourself? Have we honestly found nothing better to do with our time on this earth?

Lucky for me, I have broad shoulders and a backbone that has taken on more than one woman's comments and I'm thankful that it was me she chose to make fun of. 

I know that there are people out there who are going through things that a lesser person wouldn't survive. They don't need comments made about their choices in appearance to make them feel worse. And I'm going to keep living my life and making the choices that are going to make that life better for myself and my spawn.

And, right now, after all of the life experiences I have accrued from a shitty marriage, I choose to make myself happy by getting out of bed in the morning and looking in the mirror and seeing my magnificent blue hair that is mine, and only mine, and saying "ok you... You woke up and accomplished being the sexy vixen that you are, now we're going to go out in the world and search for the next thing that's going to better our life. Oh and let's have another successful day of not punching someone in the forehead, no matter how badly you covet that neon purple fanny pack that can be seen from space. If it's meant to be, one day you'll have your own fanny pack and it will be glorious and it will have a million dividers for all of the essential items that are so important that one needs to own a fanny pack just to carry them around." 

(Yes, I can be awful chatty with myself).

In closing, I'm throwing it way back to an old saying that I have heard a million times:

If you can't go out into the world everyday and find something nice to say, shut your whore mouth....

(That quote may not be word for word)

Turns Out I Have This Disease

It turns out I have a new, rare disease. I have what is called SLJ disease... Hear me out.

During a phone conversation with a friend of mine yesterday, it was pointed out to me that I tend to turn in to Samuel L. Jackson when I get angry, slightly annoyed, inconvenienced, wake up too early, stay up too late... You get the idea..

Half the time, I don't even realize its happening but I can get on a roll and the fbombs start flying, there's so many hand gestures that people must wonder if I'm having a seizure or am trying to fly away, and I come up with some interesting names to call people.

If you have been a victim of my SLJ, I won't apologize because you probably deserved it. If you've witnessed it, you're welcome.

So, when SLJ is recognized as a legitimate disease, I happily volunteer to be the poster child. No cure needed!

I do love that man!

Where The Hell Did Seven Whole Months Go??

So, yeah here I am again. It's been a million years since I've written on a blog. Please bare with me as I get my blogging feet wet again.
Here's a quick back story to the significance of this post:
When I was 19, I married ex-husband #1. We had three kids, were married ten years, then divorced. Less than a year after getting divorced, I got the bright idea to marry again. That's where future ex-husband #2 comes in. We were married four years, together for five, had a baby, and exactly seven months ago today, we separated. 
The state of Virginia has this fun law where you have to be legally separated for a year before they will allow you to file for divorce. I am seven months in to this mandatory year. 
As I was sitting at work last night, I started thinking about all of the things I've learned in the last seven months. That inspired me to start writing these things down and that ignited an urge to start blogging again. All of that happened in one short evening and here I am. 
I think it's fitting to start my new blog of ramblings with my list of things so here goes:

Things I've Learned Over The Last Seven Months:

1. I am so much stronger than I ever believed I could be. Being a strong woman is important when you have commitment issues but insist on committing repeatedly.

2.Friends can be the best family. I am four hours away from my bio family but I have the best friends who have become my family, my support system, the other parent to my three year old daughter, you name it, they've got it covered.

3. I honestly do not give a shit about what other people think of me or the choices that I make for my life. Like me, love me, approve of me, or don't. I'm going to keep going on no matter how you feel.

4.Some things really aren't worth fighting for and, sometimes, giving up and letting go can be the most liberating decision ever.

5.Winged eyeliner can make you feel beautiful even when you're having an ugly day.

6.Things work out. ALWAYS... They may not work out the way you planned or had hoped that they would but they do work out.

7. I over think everything.

8.Sometimes it's ok no to over think.

9.Sometimes not thinking at all is when the best things happen.

10. Talking about the events that ended my marriage does not make me a victim. It makes me a human being that needs to talk about the shit they went through.

11.I spent too many minutes, hours, days, years worried and stressed out.

12.I really miss the long, late night talks with my father and my grandmother and I would give anything to be able to have one more talk.

13.My three year old daughter didn't giggle or walk around singing to herself seven months ago. Now she never stops and I never tire of hearing it. It's true that kids, no matter how young, pick up on the vibe and the atmosphere around them and they adjust their behavior accordingly.

14.Some people shouldn't be trusted with your happiness.

15.Sometimes getting through a bad day without killing anyone will be your biggest accomplishment.

16.I will still have bad days throughout the course of my life but I just need to remind myself that I've also had days that were so much worse and I need to thank my lucky stars that no bad day will ever be as bad again.

17.I was not ok being alone, with myself as my only company until now. This is a biggie for me since I've spent my entire life of 25 years (not my real age..wink wink) not being comfortable just being alone. I cheated myself out of so much me time.

18. I need to start writing again. I used to write all the time in journals, on napkins, notebooks, and blogs and I mentally felt better. 

19. I stopped writing when my life became something I didn't want to acknowledge by putting it down on paper. 

20. Never again will I allow my life to become something I don't want to write about.

21.I now understand why major storms are named after people. 

22. When you're going through your own personal storm, every internet meme that you see on facebook will speak to you. Do NOT repost every one.

23. I can't waste time being angry at people who are annoyed with how my life situation inconveniences them. They don't know my story and I will never get through my life situations if I keep stopping to waste time being angry at these people.

24.If seven months have gone by this quickly, the next five will be a piece of cake!

So there's a few of the millions of things I've learned over the last seven months. 

Now here's a few things you need to know about me if you plan on ever visiting this blog again. 

*I have a potty mouth. I mean, seriously, if potty mouth were a disease, I would be the poster child. If you're easily offended, thanks for stopping by but please don't come back.

*Very few of my posts will be serious. Laughter is important to me and if you can laugh at yourself you're an idiot.

*I have full custody of my three year old daughter. While I have three other children, the weemonkey is the one who's with me all the time. She's badass, funny, witty, and also sometimes has a potty mouth. You're going to hear a lot about her.

*My roommate and I have what can only be described as a "heterosexual life partnership". Everywhere we go people think we're a darling lesbian couple and we've been told that OUR daughter is lovely so we have that going for us.

*My job can suck eggs or can be amazing and rewarding. But it's always amusing. We'll get in to that later.

*I am destined to become the crazy cat lady. A month ago we got two kittens who have been named Benny and Blanche Deveroe and they kick ass. I would have a million of them just for the entertainment value alone.

So that's pretty much it. I'm honest, I'm blunt, I'm offensive and I don't give a shit that I am, I'm single, and I'm trying to figure out how to be an adult.
I hope you stick around and wish me luck or at least laugh at my attempts. Either way it'll be a fun ride!