Is That The Best You've Got???

Being a freshly single woman, I have to say that I am horrified at the direction pick up lines have gone! Yes, I know it's been a minute since I was single last but, really, some of the opening lines I have had said to me were terrible and sometimes a tad scary.

 All of you single people should be ashamed of yourselves for letting the art of the pick up line go to complete shit!

Me being the Type A person that I am, and in this instance "A" stands for "asshole", I've decided to share a few of the better lines I've heard in the last few months. That way we can laugh at them together and I don't look like such a horrible person.

"You have beautiful eyes. I too have eyes".

That was it. End of the line. 

I have always been very proud of my ability to throw a sarcastic response out into the world at the drop of a hat. But what is the proper response to this one?

"wow, that's one thing you and I and almost every other person on this earth have in common. Let's date"?

"Here I am and now it's your chance to sell yourself to me. Tell me what's so great about you that is going to make me want you."

.... Yeah that really happened. Lucky for me, my sarcastic brain popped into sarcastic asshole mode. 

Here is how I responded to this dick:

"Well, I'm really cute and extremely funny. And I went to see my doctor last week and was given the best news ever. He said that it was fully healed and even he was impressed by how he couldn't tell it had ever been a penis and I'm ready to take it for a test drive! You get to put the first miles on it!"

Seriously? Sell myself to him on what makes me so great? The thing that makes me so great is that I refuse to sell myself. If you can't look at me or have a conversation with me and see what makes me great, that doesn't mean that I'm the one who's lacking. That means you're a huge asshole who doesn't want to take the time to get to know someone well enough to know what's great about them and you should find a prostitute. 

I'm not the only one who's been hit with the bad pick up lines. My heterosexual life partner, Liv, had a guy throw this gem at her "your eyes are so beautiful. I wonder what they'll look like when they're looking up at me".

When she told me that someone had the balls to use that as his opening line with her, we both laughed so hard the poor guy probably heard us in his fortress of loneliness in the far away land of NoBlowJoblandia. 

Here's a tip guys: don't use an opening line that implies that you think your target lady is easy. It isn't a huge turn on for most of us.

Liv also had a guy go with this one:

Do you like tacos and rock music? Cause if you do, you're in luck.

First of all, when did tacos become acceptable pick up line material? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore tacos but I don't understand how liking tacos and rock music makes you lucky when meeting someone. 

I happen to prefer my rock music loud enough to not be able to hear lines like that one and I like my tacos alone so that I don't have to share them.

This last one is my absolute favorite. Prepare yourself for greatness...

"I want to wear you. And I don't mean that in a dirty way. You have great skin and I just want to wear you".

If I had agreed to go out with him I would either a. Be in the dry well in his basement constantly being told to rub lotion on its skin or b. I'd be dead and skinless and he'd be dancing around with his penis tucked between his legs while "wearing me". 

Here's how the conversation went from that piece of verbal gold:

Me: wow.... Has that line EVER worked for you?

Buffalo Bill Jr.: not yet but I have high hopes for you.

Me: hmm, well, I'm kinda busy wearing myself right now so I'm going to have to respectfully decline.

BB jr: oh, that's a shame. I'll be here if you should change your mind.

Does anyone out there have an interesting pick up line that you'd like to share? I'll send you a box of candy if it's a good one. I got them from the guy who wanted to wear me...