If I Could Stuff You In A Moving Box I'd Bring You With Me

After eight months of struggling, I made the decision last week that I couldn't do it  on my own. That alone has been a hard pill to swallow. 

But then today happened...

Let me tell you about someone that I am so lucky to have in my life and in all four of my children's lives. 

I'll not usually a mushy person. Past relationships and marriages have proven to me that to show emotion is to show weakness. But I feel like anyone who reads my bullshit ramblings needs to know that this man exists.

This is my bestest best friend Noah, also known as Elton Manilow Striesand. He calls me Babs Garland Minelli and so does everyone else I've had the pleasure of meeting by way of him introducing me.

When I got out of my first marriage (I have to say that now that I've gotten out of multiple marriages), I moved to a town where I knew no one and was terrified more than my stubborn pride would ever let me admit. He was the first person I met. He turned into the first friend I made. And then he bacame the only person on this earth that I let really get to know me. Not only did I show him my charming, witty side, I also let him see every flaw and weakness I have. He knows every secret I've kept. He gets my sense of humor even though it's hardly ever socially acceptable or politically correct.

He can look at me and know if I'm extremely happy or unexplainably sad. He's seen my horrible flaws and loved me more for them. And he knows the look on my face when someone has said some innocent comment that I turned into a dirty sexual innuendo in my pervy brain and he instantly knows what I'm thinking.

He's also been my bravest defender when nobody else would stand up for me.

Here's a secret I wouldn't have admitted before tonight: marriage number two was rough. I married a man who suffered  and still suffers from mental illness and alcohol and drug addiction. I could lie and say I didn't know about these problems but I'm not that person. I will admit that I had no idea how bad these things were or how severely they would effect me and the child we made together.

The truth is, I knew he had some mental issues and that he drank too much but I was also convinced that I was the right person to fix him. (I didn't say every decision I've made were smart ones.)

I met Elton five months before jumping into my second marriage. We steadily got to know each other until he became someone I couldn't imagine my life without.

He was the first person I told about my pregnancy with Lila. He knew she existed before my family or my husband had any idea.

When he started to see signs that my second marriage wasn't going well, he suggested that he move in as a roommate. I didn't see it at the time but I think he knew that I needed someone there to help me deal with what I had chosen for my life to become. And even though things got way scarier than any horror movie you could imagine, he stood up for me, defended me, and protected me and the life I had growing inside of me. I had days where the only reason I got out of bed was because I knew he would be right by my side, on my team, and protecting my back. 

Then here came this amazing little person whom I never dreamt I would be blessed with and he gladly accepted the role of being her God father knowing what was expected of him. 

He knew he had to love her, protect her, and get to know her as well as any biological parent gets to know their children, and to be prepared to raise her in the life every child deserves if anything ever happened to me.  He accepted this without even a moments hesitstion and has stood by this promise since the day she was born.

Together we introduced her to good music like REO Soeedwagon, Madonna, and NKOTB. We taught her how to drop it like its hot and how to vogue. We all know how important these things are to being a decent human being, right?

He's listened to me cry about the things I wasn't getting from my marriage, offered to babysit when I felt the need to put forth the effort to get these things, and snuck out with me when I had a long day at work and just needed to get away from my life for a couple hours so that I could feel like myself again.

I always swore that I would never let anyone get to know me and how I really am but, without me even noticing that it was happening, he got to know everything about me. And the miraculous thing is, he never judged me or told me what he felt I should have done. He never made me feel ashamed or like the horrible person I convinced myself that I was. He listened to my rambling thoughts, sarcastic asshole comments, and confessions I wouldn't tell a priest even if it meant that it would get me to whatever destination is after this one.

He has never judged me, his feelings never took a negative turn, nor did he tell me what a horrible person I am. Instead, he hung on every word I said like a housewife remembering every moment from Fifty Shades of Gray. He offered priceless advice when he knew I needed it, he loved me more for telling him my truths, and he bucked up to defend me if he saw that I needed it. He has always answered his phone no matter what time I called and was quick to get to my house if I said the words "I need you".

After he moved out of my house, he still lived close enough that I could see his building and he unknowingly provided a sense of security that was so desperately needed to me. 

He's allowed me to celebrate family centered holidays with his family who accepted me as their family too.

Because of the loyalty he gave me without question, I gladly gave it back.

I have defended him against coworkers, strangers, and I even attempted to punch a guy who said hateful things to him that I knew, without a doubt, he didn't deserve. 

He is the most beautiful person I have ever met and words cannot express how grateful and lucky I feel just to know him.

He's family. I don't need shared blood to feel a connection with him that I had never felt with anyone else who ever walked into my life.

Tonight he came over for what we call neighbor night but the air was so heavy because we both knew that this was probably our last neighbor night together before I load up all of my worldly possessions into a truck and start over, for the third time but this time on my own, in the place I came from and no longer share neighborhoods, cities, or states with him. In 13 days there will be an almost four hour distance between us. 

I was doing ok until today. I had locked the emotions up tight, focussed myself on the move I had coming, distracted by the need to make my three year old understand that soon we're going to leave this house and probably never step foot in it again, and was convinced I was more excited than sad.

But then we started retelling stories about our adventures together (on our own we are noticeable for our uniqueness, together we are amazing) then the pictures started showing up, and then, out of nowhere, we both had tears streaming down our faces. There was also a lot of much needed laughter and words of support and hope for both of us. And lots of hugging of course.

I still have 13 days to go before I officially have to say goodbye to him but I already feel the hole that he's filled in my life for so long. Him  being less than a block away was a comforting life saver.  I don't remember an instance where I've felt so much sadnes and loss when, at the same time, I knew I was making the right decision for myself and my children. I'm not one who's used to feeling this enough to know how to deal with it.

If you all don't mind, here are a few words that I would like to write to Elton and  fold it up in the note passing origami shit that we did in high school:

Dear Elton,

As you know, I am a believer of fate and I truly believe we were put in each other's lives because we both needed each other. I consider you as much of my family as anyone who shares the same blood as myself. It hasn't mattered how far apart we were, be it Seattle, Lost Creek, up a boyfriends ass (that would be you), or being so distracted with getting through the day (definitely me) that I couldn't even force myself to talk to my best friend or even ask for help because of my pride, I have always known that, if I called you and said I needed you (or vice versa) we would be there for each other. That's the only thing that got me through this evening of tears, memories, and laughter with you. I know that I can call you from lost creek and tell you I needed you and you wouldn't hesitate to be there. That's mad trust and so very unlikely me.

You've taught me to trust at least one person on this earth and know that their motives were good. You've also shown me that I can depend on you to remind me who I really am when I'm not being quite myself.

You have also convinced me that I didn't do something so bad in my past that Karma enjoys screwing me, and that maybe, just maybe, not every one is out to get me.

You've put countless smiles on mine and my children's faces, caused uncountable happy giggles, and made me trust that we will always be a part of each other's lives, no matter how far apart we are.

So, my beloved Elton, I know we blubbered like sissys on the first night I met your boyfriend and 13 days before we have to say "see you later", please know that you are such a valued and needed person in my life, a good man in general, and this move is not even close to goodbye.  You have become a constant in my life and I'm going to need you to keep that up. In other words, you're totally stuck with me.

And if you could answer one tiny question for me so that I can understand:

How is it even possible to miss you so much when I can still look out my kitchen window and see your house?

Could you at least consider packing yourself and that amazing boyfriend of yours into the uhaul and just coming with?

 At least tell me how to make this ache in my chest go away. I have no idea how to even attempt at going through every day without you in it. I think that's the part that scares me the most.

Thank you for being the constant in my life and being the loyal protector of my secrets and hideous flaws. Thank you for reminding me who I really am and not to take shit from anyone.

The words "thank you" come no where near close to how grateful I am to you just for existing. 

I love you Elton.

Love, 

Babs 

If You Can't Say It With A Meme, Don't Say It

June has proven to be a busy month for me, a month for making huge decisions.   And I'm going to end it with a life changing move that I hope is the right one. But we'll get to that next time. 

This post is about making it to the 8 month mark. 

It's been 8 months since I became a single mom/dad rolled in to one into one very cute package. 

While I have four kids, my older three still have both of their parents being active members in their lives. The youngest monkey though, all she has is me. Granted, she's also had my heterosexual life partner, Liv, and her god father "Nuncle Oah", stepping in and parenting her too and we've both been so lucky for that.

I made the comment during a phone conversation the other day that has stuck in my head since I spoke it. It was: it's a scary thought that I am the only  responsible parent for Lila. 

I think I always knew this but hearing the words come out of my mouth was an eye opener. Being the responsible parent means so much more than making sure she puts her pants on and doesn't play in traffic or take candy from strangers. It means I'm all she's got. I have to take care of myself, which means going to a doctor and acknowledging a neurological disease that I've put more energy into ignoring than acknowledging it, maybe losing some weight, and not talking to strangers no matter how good they smell. It means that I have to do whatever I can to make sure I'm here her for as long as humanly possible because I'm all she's got.

It also means learning more about myself so that I can try to control the neurotic, untrusting, impulsive, and awkward person I've spent so long becoming so that she has a good example of a woman she might want to be someday.

Tomorrow makes 8 months... That seems like such a short time. It's four months shy of being than a year, but, in my world, 8 months has changed everything.

Being the "meme queen" I pride myself in being, I thought I'd share a few more things that I've learned in 8 months. Things I hope are helping to make me a better person or, at least, maybe less of an asshole. And the best way to say these things are with memes. I adore them. Here goes...

I used to do this one all the time. I would sit and wonder what would have happened if I hadn't ignored someone I was attracted to for more than looks and ended up dating their friend who was a huge douche. 

What if I had said "no" to certain people?

But now, for me anyway, this should say "never wonder how different your life would be"... Because one tiny change could mean never having four of the most amazing people on earth to call my children. And that thought  is unthinkable. Everything that has happened in the history of me, which is an awesome history filled with amazing moments and a lot of awkward stupidity, was supposed to happen. I wouldn't change a thing.

This is more true than I would have ever believed. I can have the shittiest day where I feel like the world is against me and I just want to run away to Mexico and drink margaritas until my skin turns s nice like color but then I wrap an awesome kid in my arms or get a hug from a friend and I realize that this is the whole world to me. I have it right here in my arms. That's the best feeling.

I used to be a vain little shitass once upon a time. But I've learned that physical attraction means nothing if they're a troll on the inside. And if they're a troll, Fuck 'em (not literally though...Duh)

This has been such a hard one for me. How do you believe you're worthy of anything when you've wasted so much time on people who got off on making you think the problems were because something was wrong with you? But now, I've not only learned that I am worthy. I've also learned that I deserve someone who appreciates the fact that I'm worthy and that's caused me to stop putting up with a lot of bullshit. I'm refusing to be treated as anything other than what I deserve. I know I'm going to lose a few people because of that, and I'll miss them and always feel the hole that they once filled, but at least I'll stop taking the blame for problems that aren't mine alone.

This really is what life is all about. Don't settle for anything less.

Flashbacks fucking suck because they aren't always good ones. In fact, for me, they're  mostly bad ones that make me wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

It's funny the things you can remember when a song comes on that you haven't heard in twenty years.

I laugh more now than I have my entire adult life. And life really is better when you're laughing...

 I am absolutely not boring.

Now that I know this is true, there will be no dealing with me.

They really do last a lifetime. I wasn't carful before and I remember every second.

I don't understand why this is the hardest challenge some people face every day. Be fucking nice. Period.

Exactly...

I've learned that I want this. Actually, I need this. I had convinced myself before that I didn't need it. I want to matter to one person. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I've got them, they aren't going anywhere, and I appreciate the hell out of them.

And finally:

It's been 8 months and I feel more like myself than I have in years and that alone is an amazing accomplishment.

8 months can be an insignificant amount of time to some people. To me, the last 8 months have been everything.

All By Myself...

I had no idea how true this was until almost 8 months ago. Before, the thought of doing anything alone freaked me out. I wasn't even comfortable going to the grocery store by myself.

Now I find that I like being alone so much that I'm almost introverting. 

And if someone dare interupt my alone time, I get angry as if they should know what they're taking from me.

The problem with being alone is that, if anyone saw me during my alone time, they would try to have me committed. 

I have become so comfortable that I'm carrying on full conversations with myself, along with funny jokes that crack myself up. I sing, badly. I dance, very well. I fiddle with stuff, think about rearranging furniture (but then I talk myself out of it). I rarely talk on the phone anymore. Yesterday evening, Liv, Lila, and I were watching a movie and my phone rang and my response was "what the hell? No! Why do people insist on calling me?? Can't they text and be done with it and we skip all of the unnecessary conversation that happens as space fillers?" I had someone ask if they could call me a few days ago and my response was "why?" Introverting has shown me that the only functions I need my phone to do are text, Facebook, Google, and games. And, if you've never had a phone conversation with me, you're welcome. I am awkward as ass when on the phone. It's painful for everyone involved.

It's also inspired this new thing I'm doing now. I am taking so much less bullshit from people because I no longer care if they get angry. "Oh no, I made you mad? Are you going to leave me alone now? (Please??)"

I've also started surrounding myself with people I actually enjoy being around, people whom I can have meaningful conversations with because I know now that conversations that mean nothing are such a waste of time. Time that could be spent alone, talking to myself. 

I've just realized that I wasted so much time surrounding myself with people who mean/meant nothing to me and who made me miserable just because I was terrified of being alone. I can't blame these people for the misery or the mental and physical ache they caused me. I've spent a lot of time trying to do that though. (It certainly couldn't have been my fault.)

I'm no where near perfect by any means but I'm learning to let the past bullshit be in the past. Getting angry at the people who are no longer in my life for things they did because I allowed it is such a waste of precious time.

I'm good with being with myself, I'm thrilled when I'm with my amazing friends and my kids because of being ok when I'm alone and not filling the space when they aren't there with people who shouldn't be there. And I'm actually good with becoming an introvert because it makes me appreciate my extroverted times so much more. I laugh more and I actually talk because I have real things to talk about instead of wasting all of my talk time with worthless conversations. 

I can tell that it's starting to bother some of the people that aren't in my daily life but I had a talk with myself and I can't find it within me to apologize for it. I'm finally getting to a point to where I'm ok with me and being alone with me. 

And besides, I can't bring myself to answer the phone to hear people bitch about it anyway. Shoot me a text....

I Wasn't Going To Do This But Then People Are Pigs

I had a witty post planned. I swear I did. I've thought about it all day, scribbled notes on random pieces of paper, I was ready. But then this happened on Facebook and shit right in the middle of my witty post plans...

Unless you've been under a rock for the last few months, you know who this is. This is a beautiful woman who has better hair than me, a better makeup artist than I have (which is me), and she has legs that I would punch a puppy for. 

Oh, FYI, she also used to be some hairy dude named Bruce who was an Olympian and married into a horrible family.

Now before you tell me to fuck off for making my post about Caitlyn, because I know everyone else has posted it on Facebook or any other social media they can get their hands on, please know that, while I supported that Bruce dudes decision to become who she's always been, I refused to join the hype. I don't watch that horrible show about her horrible step children, I didn't read the magazine articles, and until this moment, I didn't say a word on my Facebook page about Caitlyn. Did I have thoughts throughout the day? Sure... Here's a few:

Wow, that Bruce dude makes one hell of a beautiful woman named Caitlyn.

Huh, I can't believe she didn't spell her name with a K like all of her horrible step kids.

Why can't I wear lipstick without looking like a prostitute?

Lord how am I reaching yet another summer without a bathing suit ready body?? I swore last summer was the last one!

Maybe I should try jogging. Look at her legs!

 

Those were the thoughts I had throughout the day about Caitlyn. I still have yet to have one bad thought about her life decisions because it isn't my place to have good thoughts, bad thoughts, or any opinion on what she chooses to do with her life. 

Did Caitlyn kill someone? Not that I know of. Does she shank ignorant assholes for their asshat opinions? Not yet but she should fucking start. Did she walk into my living room and pee in the floor while showing off those magnificent legs? Nope. So, as far as Caitlyn and I are concerned, we're cool. I'm sure she'll sleep better tonight knowing that.

But as the day has gone on, I've had some bad thoughts and they weren't towards this woman. They are towards the ignorant people who I am shocked and ashamed to say I am friends with on Facebook. Yall mother fuckers need two things.

1. To find this Jesus you claim you know so well and beg him for forgiveness for being so hateful to another human being whom you do not know personally and should have no opinion on the struggle you do not have to go through.

2. Then you need to shut your ignorant, hateful, and bigoted mouths.

I have done something today that is so out of my nature I might die from it.

I have bit my tongue and refrained from starting a comment war with people I haven't seen since graduating high school, people I used to work with, and people I spoke to even yesterday. 

Put yourself in her shoes. What if you were born as someone on the inside who was so completely opposite from the outside body you were born with that you are willing to give up family who won't support you, relationships you've built based on the outside person, to be so willing to risk your life to have surgery to fix it, and to risk your life and safety against the assholes who refuse to understand what you're going through only because they were lucky enough to not be born into your predicament?

Now look at the children you were blessed with. What will you do if junior comes to you in ten years and tell you he's a female whose name is Juno? Will you "throw up in your mouth a little" (actual quote from a Facebook comment) because of your own child becoming who they're supposed to be?

Would you live the one life you get being miserable, depressed, maybe even suicidal just so other people who aren't living your life accept you? Would you tell

Your child that's what they have to do in order for you to continue loving them? Or would you say "fuck it, I'm gonna do me no matter what these people think. It's my life!"

I can honestly tell you, I know with 100% of my being, if I were born in Caitlyn's place, I would gladly cut my ties with any of you that didn't support me to be who I know I'm supposed to be. The only difference between me and Caitlyn is that I would shank your ignorant asses. How can you say you love someone if that love stops when they don't meet your conditions?

And how can you say that the big guy upstairs doesn't approve. I've heard my entire life about how he doesn't make mistakes. So either you're saying that the big man is either a huge mistake making idiot or a liar because his love is conditional. I'll let you all pick. It won't effect me either way.

The point to all of this is it took bigger balls for Caitlyn to become who she was supposed to be than the ones she was born with. In my opinion, if your thoughts are anything other than "good for her" or you feel hatred towards her for anything other than her having better legs than you will ever have, keep it to yourself. She didn't hurt you. And I guarentee, that woman has gone through more pain than you will ever experience in your entire, wasted life. Leave these people alone and let them be whomever they're supposed to be.

End of rant...

For All The Single Ladies

I'm starting to realize that being a single lady is hard. We are constantly fighting this internal battle between always wanting to look our best in case we meet "the one" and becoming self sufficient enough to not need "the one". I've found some amazing inventions that will end this battle by helping us do a little bit of both!

First of all, let's talk about footwear...

When wanting to put your best foot forward, rain can often ruin your efforts. Not anymore because of these stylish shoe umbrellas! No single lady wants to meet her soulmate or man of the moment in muddy rain soaked shoes. And the shoe umbrella screams that you are a smart, sensible, desirable woman.

But sometimes the single lady wants to take a fun beach vacation without it being ruined by undesirables hitting on you every time you turn around. This will tell your mullet coifed, Brute cologne wearing wannabe suitor that you're really not interested without you having to be rude.

And for the woman who needs no man, how about a pair of slippers that double as a vicious, terror causing bug killer? No need to scream for your non existent knight in shining tin foil to save you when you have ninja like fly swatters on your feet! As you're whipping these through the air to kill a dangerous bug, you'll hear the scream of "girl power" over your own terrified shreaks.

Now we move on to makeup...

I have never been good at applying lipstick. Ever... I admire those of you who can wear it and are able to look like a fun girl out for a night on the town instead of looking like a lady of the night (that means prostitute and I don't mean the Pretty Woman kind).

When I try to wear lipstick, I end up looking a little something like this:

But, the Chinese have invented two things that will make this no longer a problem!

You can "pucker lips in a hurry" with this brilliant lip stamp. I suggest keeping this in your purse so that you can freshen your perfect lips while on a night out after you use this before leaving home...

Because every woman has the exact same lip shape, this lip template is genius. No more smeared lips for us single gals! Thank you China!

A single lady might take some time to find herself before deciding to get back out in the world. During your sabbatical from the dating world, you might want something that helps buy you privacy...

Nothing says "go away, I'm introverting" quite like whatever the hell this is. And for those of you with office jobs...

This should do the trick. 

While you're busy finding yourself, things may start to look a little unkempt...

Then you get invited on a fun girls night out and realize that, while finding yourself, you've turned into chewbacca.  When this happens, I suggest you go back to the magical time of the 1980's and purchase your future self one of these:

It'll hurt like a bitch but it will get the job done. You might want to pair it with one of these next inventions.

Some people say that diamonds are a girls best friend and to those people I say you must not be a single lady!

Wine glasses with built in straws.. Need I say more? Put on your most unsexiest pajamas, some fuzzy fly swatter slippers, turn on a chick flick worth crying to and suck on that built in straw like your life depends on it!

There will be nights when you're going out and you won't know if the establishment you're going to will serve your brand of wine and you're going to need something to ensure you have an enjoyable time. That's where this gem comes in to play.

Is it a wine carrier or a stylish purse? Nobody will know the truth but you.. At least until you're skipping the glass and drinking it straight out of your purse tap but, by then, who's going to give a shit? Certainly not you!

The truth is, being single can be as hard as it is fun. Some days you'll cry to the point of being dangerously close to dehydration.

And you'll consider buying one of these hats (again, thank you China!).

But it can also be empowering and you'll wonder why you never owned a pair of these...

Because no strong woman needs a man to shovel her car out of the snow when she's wearing sensible snow shovel pumps!

It can be lonely and you'll get sad about only needing one wine glass.

But with this glass, one is all you'll ever need.

It doesn't matter how you get through it. Maybe you'll meet the elusive "one" that will make your life complete.

In that case, you might want to get something like this:

You need to know how well he handles disappointment before deciding if he's the one and making him think you have incredible boobs all evening and then taking them off at the end of the night should do the trick.

 Or maybe, just maybe, you'll learn that you're ok with being single, especially when you have this:

Nothing is better than snuggling up to The Boyfriend Pillow after a rough day when your lipstick is a mess and you're half drunk from drinking out of your purse and you really don't need to listen to anyone's lip.

No matter how you do it, remember you're a strong, single woman who can take on a hell of a lot more than loneliness. The key is to surround yourself with great friends, decent wine, laugh as much as possible, and don't settle for anything less than you truly deserve. No woman should have to look back on their lives and say "I got by with great shoes, good wine, and a partner who was good enough."