Things I Learned While in the Clink

Obviously, I wasn't really in the "clink". It was much worse. I won myself a weeks stay in the hospital which, I'm sure most prisoners would agree, is exactly like jail at least a little bit.

I spent five days confined to a private room (thank the Lort for the private room!!), forced to stay in bed because of a bum leg from a flare up, with only cable television and the crazy, demented old lady in the room next door to keep me company. 

The old lady was entertaining and we kept the same sleep hours which was never, and I learned a lot about religion from her singing perverted bible hymns all night long. "The Old Rugged Crotch" was a personal favorite. 

Other things I've learned from my stay:

These commercials are the DEVIL!!

Cable television plays these commercials A lot. Like eleventy trillion times an hour. I didn't know whether to jump out of my ninth floor window or adopt all of the animals ever. And when you have nothing to do but lay in bed, your brain starts to rationalize the quality of life four thousand pets could bring and how being covered in animal hair might be a good thing in the winter.

I found out that I am in love with Pitch Perfect. It was on almost every night during my stay and I watched it and bed danced every time. Between the old lady, lack of sleep, and the spca commercials, this movie might have saved me. I'm not kidding.

This is a hard one for me but I also found out that I am no longer a Twilght fan. I never thought this day would come but, while trying to watch twilight without being able to get up, I realized how terrible the acting really is. I wanted to tear my eyes out and throw them at Kristin Stewart.

Such bad acting...

I was also reminded of things I already knew. 

I am a terrible patient, stubborn as an ox, and the funniest person I know. I cracked myself up at the expense of every person who had the misfortune of walking into my room. I even had an orderly who said I looked familiar believing that I used to do porn. Score!

Either way, I'm busted out of the clink, on the mend, and so grateful for both.

You (you know who you are) Should Be Ashamed of Yourselves!

Growing up, I always believed that I was one of the luckiest people to be growing up in the nicest area on earth. I look back and I remember people being nice to one another, having compassion, and most of all, I remember manners being like STDs are now. Everyone had them. 

When I got married (to #1), we moved to Chillicothe, Ohio. Countless people heard  me point out that people in my hometown would never have been so rude. 

Over the next 15 years, I bragged about how nice and polite my fellow West Virginians were all over the panhandle, which is nothing like the real West Virginia, in Maryland, and in Virginia too.

I actually believed that right up until I moved back almost two months ago and started regularly going out amongst these people.

I have to say, I am mortified at the horrible people I've had the misfortune to cross paths with. Manners are completely gone, there's complete disregard for the safety of children, and, I'm probably poking the momma bear here but some of yalls kids are fucking assholes.

And don't even get me started on my recent visits to Walmart. 

Alright, you get one story from Walmart... Only because you asked for it.

Yesterday, Lila, my mother, and I were in the toothpaste isle. Lila was trying to make the tough decision of which toothbrush she wanted when I felt someone bang into my cart. Now, I am not one of the nicest people but if I feel like I can't get down an isle, I say "excuse me". Instead, this older couple decided to bang into my daughter, mother, and I until they got by. Walmart makes me grouchy anyway but rude assholes are too much. My mom, who's way nicer than I am is trying to help me move the cart out of the way while this couple keeps banging off of it. 

Mom says "Tracy (cart bang), scoot the (cart bang) cart (bang) over and (bang) let these (bang) people by (bang)"

While I have manners, I am also a sarcastic, mouthy little prick too. As they're banging into us, I say to my mother  "gosh, I wasn't sure they wanted by. Nobody says excuse me around here anymore". 

The man of the couple then yells at me "were we supposed to?" To which I shouted back "actually, yeah. You were supposed to".

What in the actual fucking fuck???

First of all, I was raised to respect my elders but how far does that go if they're being completely disrespectful to me and my family? I am trying to raise children to be respectful but I'm also trying not to raise them to be fucking doormats for pricks.

In my head, this is all I could picture:

Me fist fighting with an elderly couple as my grandparents look down, shaking their heads, from the big senior center in the sky. All the while, Lila is shooting the couple with toothpaste and macing them with Listerine as an attempt to come in with the assist and my mother is yelling "Tracy Lynn! You stop that right now!!!"

I was raised with manners, I've had my mouth washed out with soap more than I care to remember, I've had my ass beat, I've had "don't you dare look at me in that tone of voice" and "keep crying and I'll give you a reason to cry" said to me a million times, and I have been given a reason to cry when I called my mothers bluff over that threat. 

And here I am, not even two months back yet, imagining sucker punching the elderly in the forehead and slapping the shit out of someone's asshole kids. 

If this keeps up, I might end up in a cabin in the woods and only venturing out once every six months in an effort to save my sanity and some of these assholes lives.

Seriously, somebody better fix this shit or I have a lot of entire towns to apologize to!

I Have A Thousand Excuses...

Yes, I know it's been a hot minute since I've posted something on here and I'm sure all of you missed me (all two of you). I would love to throw the excuse out there that I've been so busy that I haven't had time to write anything, that I've been so busy doing exciting life things to be able to sit down and write about them. Blah, blah, blah...

The truth is, now that the move is over, I've spent the last month sitting around waiting for things to happen. 

Lila and I have been here five weeks as of this past Friday. As I wrote that last sentence, I had to stop and try to figure out how it's even possible that five weeks have gone by. Then I realized, we haven't been sitting down at all.

I have managed to reconnect with some friends that I've missed dearly since moving away all of those years ago, I start my new job in exactly one week, and Lila starts pre k in two. 

(Shelly, you have no idea how much I have truly missed you!!)

Susie (my mother) has seemed to settle in to having two extra people in her house, especially the toddler who acts like a monkey on crack most of the time.

I will say that I feel very lucky to have had six weeks with Lila before having to go back to work. Six uninterrupted, constantly together weeks... 

All joking aside, Lila and I have been doing some pretty great things together the last five weeks, a lot of those things have been thanks to my mother.

We spent the evening of our first full day here, July 4th, watching fireworks....

That look right there... That look is priceless.

We spent some time on her first Ferris wheel ride where she scared the shit out of me about every two seconds.

I was thrilled to have a long weekend with all of the monkeys here. 

We stayed so busy while all of them were here doing fun things. As soon as we got back from taking them home, I took my most favorite picture of Lila in the history of ever. Behold, exhausted sleeping wee spawn!

This photo opportunity may never happen again...

In my effort to help Lila adjust to country living, she's made some interesting friends:

The horses and sheep at the farm across the street have become an almost daily walking destination.

She spent an evening with Ana and Elsa.

This nut (the brown lump) that she found on a hike. She's become attached to it for some reason and has even named it Rolly. 

Last but not least, this creepy as fuck baby doll she found in a tote while mom and I were trying to downsize my shit ton of stuff I've accumulated over the years. I have no idea where this doll came from and I'm not at all creeped out that Lila has started putting the doll in strange places and now has it hold props.

The truth is, I have been busy. I've spent the last five weeks falling in love all over again with the place I grew up and some of the people who are still here. I've taken my children to some of my most favorite places on this earth and tried to explain to them why these places were important.

I have one week left before I have to go back to being an adult and figuring out what the next step should be for Lila and I. And, sorry to break it to you, but I don't plan on spending this last week writing about it.

And Here's A Few More Things...

Today is exactly 9 months since I became a legally separated single lady/mom. I'm a little amazed that it's been that long. It's gone by so quickly. I guess that's a good thing. I've had so many life changes and choices to focus on in the last 9 months that I forgot to focus on being angry enough to end up on an episode of snapped...

I was too busy to focus on all of the unneccessary shit in my life that I fought to hold on to that I had a yard sale and sold most of it. My life is now blissfully uncluttered.

I spent a lot of these past nine months killing myself trying to do everything on my own and being too proud to ask for help. When I couldn't do that anymore, I realized that I had so many people around who were willing to help. That's amazing to me. Especially since I can be my charming, awkward, and abrasive self.

I've always been an outwardly confident person but, inwardly, I have always been the most insecure, second guessing, critical person who lacked the confidence it takes to pick out a matching bra and panty set for the day (don't ask... It's an important and extremely hard decision)...

But then, here came these people who are kickass amazing and helped me realize that I'm kinda kickass amazing too...

I can't thank you people enough.. You all know who you are.

So...here I am at the nine month mark. I think it's fitting that I hit this milestone while starting a new life, having just accepted an amazing job offer (that I got with the help and encouragement of one of the previously mentioned kickass amazing people... Thanks Shelly!). It's funny to me that I've chosen to start over in the one place I couldn't wait to move away from my entire teenage life. Home has a way of calling you back when you need it most.

Nine months can do so many things.. In that amount of time, you can grow a whole human being and bring it into the world.

Turns out, you can also end a shitty marriage and start a whole new life. 

I have plans for this one though. No more shitty marriages (or any marriages of any kind really), no more settling, no more decisions made based on how it will effect someone who's just passing through my life. I've never been the kind of lady who would chase people but now I'm also not the kind of lady who will sit around and wait for someone to have a space big enough for me to fit in their lives. I've always been more of a center stage kind of girl anyway.

9 months... When this all started, or ended, depending on how you look at it, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. Now I can't wait to see what each new day holds. 

And while this single mom thing is hard, I've met more of Lila in these last nine months than I have in her entire almost four years of life. I will never regret any decision I made along the way that has made her comfortable enough to be who she is.

And, if I'm being honest here, I've become more of myself lately than I ever thought I could be again. I don't regret that either.

I haven't felt like this in a while and for that I am so grateful. 

So here I am, nine months down, three to go before I can file to become an official unmarried single lady/mom. 

Watch out world...

 Sassy pants will be worn that day!

What Do I Do Now?

The big move is finally finished. My things are safely locked away in a storage unit and, the things I brought with me, are neatly unpacked and put away in my old bedroom. 

I'm sitting on the back porch of my childhood home listening to the familiar sound of bullfrogs croaking and the comfortable silence that comes with living in West Virginia. For the first time in three years, I feel like I'm finally breathing again. That's an amazing feeling.

As an added bonus, I've found some small treasures while making room for my things.

This phone cord once served as part of my line of communication with the outside world, or at least to people who lived two miles away. I remember twirling it around my fingers while having rambling phone conversations about who was dating who and the nerve of some bitch at school.  It was also the bane of my existence when it became a tangled mess. 

It hit me, after Lila asked what it was, that none of my children will ever know the joys and anger that this simple cord can cause.

Then there was the duffel bag that I carried to every football game throughout my high school career. It was filled with all of the necessary paraphernalia that a proper majorette needed to do a stellar job. Things like Aquanet, blue eyeshadow, and Exclamation perfume once filled this bag.

And this little photo album filled with the senior pictures of my best friends. The pages are old and were stuck together (from age. Not from a Pervy nasty stick together way...) and some of the name cards had fallen out but I would know these people anywhere.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if the girl that lived here twenty years ago existed. Marriages, divorces, becoming a mother, and moving away tend to change a person. But, finding these things have brought a comfort to me and given me a reassurance that she not only existed, but, she's still in there somewhere. That makes me feel better because she was kind of a badass who took shit from nobody and stood up for what she thought was right. 

And, if that weren't reassuring enough...

I've always got this can of liquid gold to fall back on....

Why Didn't I Take More Pictures??

With one week left to go before the big move, I've been going through my pictures on my phone and on my Facebook page and it leaves me with one feeling. I have a regret. (Most of you who know me knows that regrets are not something I usually feel about anything)

I wish I had taken more pictures with my family of friends. 

I have memories of some of the best times but I'm worried that, eventually, my brain will shove them into a black hole, never to be thought of again.

Here are some of my favorites that were actually taken. Please walk with me down memory lane...

With Apple Blossom being my second favorite time of year, we'll start with those:

This one of me, Liv, and Elton was taken at my first ever Bloom party. It blows my mind to think that only three of these parties have happened but it seems like forever. These are two of my most favorite people on earth.

And this one of Yarah Reese Sr. In my bloom hat always makes me smile. She's also one of my favorite people...

All of these were taken during the bloom. I've decided this will be the time of year that Lila and I make our annual trip to visit.

Then there's Halloween... I adore Halloween like most people do Christmas.

These have been some of the best Halloweens I have ever experienced.

We can't forget the adult nights..

And concerts:

And Mothers days made special because of a friend:

And neighbor nights:

And just great times for no reason at all:

Of course there's my beautiful god daughter and he whole beautiful family:

And yard sales from the heart for the heart of someone I love dearly...

And pics because someone found out that my high school majorette costume was in the closet hanging majestically with the winter coats.

And then these just because moments..

The truth is, I'm going to miss so many people who, while not in my day to day life, were a part of my life in some way. And I don't have enough pictures!

Thank you all for the memories and for being there. The last five years were made great because of you. You all have made me living proof that, while my life wasn't always going great, it was still pretty amazing.

And if I see you in the next week, please remind me to take your picture!